Hello my lovelies!!
I am hoping you are all doing well and great - lacking nothing under the sun.
Last night, I went to go see Think Like A Man - by myself - and I had a GREAT time. I deeply enjoyed the movie. I am in no way, shape or form about to do a movie review - but it does tie into what thoughts/feelings/actions I've had for this past week - and that is what I am going to share with you guys.
Sunday morning, I woke up - gave thanks to The Most High and said "I'm done". I let him go. Something I never thought would come so easily. Something I have attempted to do MANY times before, and failed miserably. He's had this hold on me - had a way of making me believe he was the best I could ever have, and I allowed myself to believe that. This is why even though he was committed to another, I allowed myself to believe that he actually loved ME, and this is why I stuck around - waiting. Ladies, if he loves you - he will be with you. SIMPLE. Don't get me wrong, I know he cares for me deeply, but it was just not enough and while I sit and wait for him to make a decision - life does not sit and wait with me. It was passing me by. I was losing precious hours, minutes and months of my life waiting for him to "Make a final decision". What I was failing to realize was that ultimately the final decision was MINE to make. Time does not sit still - it keeps on going. It doesn't matter what you are going through - the world will keep on spinning. The ocean will continue to meet with the sand and the sun will continue to rise and set as it was taught to do. Sooooooo..... why am I sitting around waiting for you again???? Hmmm.
There comes a point in time when you realize... I deserve more. I know what I am capable of in a relationship - I know that I bring more to the table than I take from it. I know I am a good woman and will be an even better wife and mother. I know this. There is no doubt in my mind. I know right from wrong. So again, what am I waiting for? I had to sit back and really examine this. I had to get REALLY honest with myself and not only figure out but then EXPLAIN to MYSELF why was I sticking around waiting for someone that had no hope in me. Then... it came to me in a roar of honesty.
Im a fucking idiot.
Excuse my language but it was the best I could come up with. Allow me to explain:
As an afrolatina woman in a professional world, you realize the lack of "melanin" that surrounds you and the ones that do surround you tend to fall into one of the following categories: a) Gay b) Married c) 16 kids and 23 baby mommas d) Player e) momma's boy f) broke g) I could go on lol
Point being... They are unavailable whether it be physically or emotionally, they are unavailable. So when we do find someone suitable. Someone you do not mind spending your time with, someone who meets those "standards" (I hate that word btw but thats another blog for another day) someone who knows that they are a hot commodity and can put words together well enough to sweep you off your feet, we tend to hold on. TIGHT. Tight enough that we lose sight of the fact that HE DONT WANT ME! Then we sit and we wonder WHY does he continue to entertain me if he doesn't want me?!! Why doesnt he just stay with his girlfriend? Why does he keep calling? Why? Why? Why? Well, think about it - if someone were giving you the world, would you not stick around as well?!? You're receiving a three course gourmet meal and only had to put out a dollar menu budget. Shit... I would hold on too!
You become satisfied with what little they offer you - forgetting that there is an entire world out there and that you ARE worthy of it and that it is yours for the taking.
I had to slap myself with reality and realize this. I had to reach a very low point and cry many a tears before I realized - if he loved me like he says he does, he would be with me. If he cares for me like he says he does, these tears would be happy tears. If my happiness is as important to him as he claims it to be, he would have let me go a long time ago.
Sometimes letting someone go does not mean you no longer want them. It sometimes means you love them enough to know that you cannot offer them what they are looking for and instead giving them the opportunity to find greatness elsewhere.
It took me a while but I got there.
I realized that he may love me but it is a selfish type of love. His love was one sided. He did not care about my happiness or my well being - he simply wanted me to be there for him when he called and that my readers is NOT love, and it is most certainly not a love that I need/want in my life. Im too old for the bullshit. Give me all or give me nothing. Period. I dont have the time to sit and wait for you to make a decision, because while you're sitting there twiddling your thumbs trying to put together 1 + 1 another has already decided that I am all he wants and will put forth the effort to prove that to me.
Thank you Think Like A Man... You just made me realize that I am NOT crazy and I stand by my decision. I let him go because there was too much "him" and not enough "me". Because I know that I am woman enough to share a man but smart enough to know that I dont have to.
Be Blessed & Be a Blessing
-Roxii
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